redneck jokes and sayings

Scars heel, glory fades, and all were left with are the memorys made, pain hurts but only for a minute, your life is short so go on and live it!!!

Things a True Southerner Knows

The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit.
Pretty much how many fish or collards greens make up a mess.
What general direction cattywumpus is.
That "gimme sugar" don't mean pass the sugar.
When somebody's "fixin" to do something, it won't be long.
The difference between Yankee's and damn Yankee's.
How good a cold grape Nehi and cheese crackers are at a country store.
Knows what, "Well I Suwannee !!" means.
Ain't nobody's biscuits like Grandma's biscuits !!
A good dog is worth its weight in gold.
Real gravy don't come from the store.
The War of Northern Aggression was over state rights, not slavery.
When "by and by" is.
How to handle their "pot likker".
You should never loan your tools, pick-up, or gun to nobody.
A belt serves a greater purpose than holding Daddy's pants up.
The differences between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and trailer trash.
Never to go snipe hunting twice.
At one point learned what happens when you swallow tobacco juice.
You may wear long sleeves, but you should always roll 'em up past the elbows.
The difference between "pert' near" and "a right far piece".
They know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
A true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
A true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in "Going to town, be back directly."
True Southerners know instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'.)
True Southerners make friends standing in lines. We don't do "queues," we do "lines." And when we're in line, we talk to everybody.
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin", you know you're in the presence of a genuine southerner.
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 on the freeway - you just say, "Bless her heart" and go your way.

Redneck Vascectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide) So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me -- I don't want to go deaf!"

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . .", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand

A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for
divorce
Attorney: "May I help you
Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".
Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."
Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."
Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning."
Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?!?!?!?"
Hillbilly: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a
nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce."

What's the difference between a Yankee zoo and a Redneck zoo?

On the cage in a Yankee zoo, it will have the name of the animal and the scientific name in Latin.

A Southern zoo will have the name of the animal and a recipe.

Submitted by Shawn Rung.

Top 10 Reasons to Know You're a Redneck

1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.
3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.
6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.
7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.
9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.
10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples

Top 10 Reasons Rednecks Rule!!!

Dinner can always be found on the side of the road.
Their belt buckles are considered valid I.D.!
With a little corn and water they can distill enough moonshine to quench any dry town!
They can spit with absolute accuracy.
Nothing compares to the luxury and freedom of a mobile home.
Bluejeans and a flannel are always considered formal.
At least that rusty Pick-up's bought and paid for.
A mayonnaise jar doubles as a handy thermos.
A baseball cap is considered a fine substitute for combing your hair.
Tractor pulls and auto races serve as a fine meeting place for family reunions

Winders '98

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Alabama edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama. If you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help understanding the commands.
The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of the General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.
Also note: the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard Hard Drive is referred to as 4 Wheel Drive floppies are them little ol' plactic disc thangs.
Other features:
Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.
* OK
ats aww-right
* cancel
hail no
* reset
awa shoot
* yes
shore
* no
Naaaa
* find
hunt-fer it
* go to
over yonder
* back
back yonder
* help
hep me out here
* stop
ternit off
* start
crank it up
* settings
sittins
* programs
stuff at does stuff
* documents
stuff I done done
Also note that Winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to winders 98:
* tiperiter
A word processor
* colering book
a graphics program
* addin mershene
calculator
* outhouse paper
notepad
* jupe-box
CD Player
* iner-net
Microsoft Explorer
* pichers
A graphics viewer
* IRS
M/S accounting software
* IRS2
M/S accounting software with hidden files
* coon dog
American kennel club records
* fishin
Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records
* NRA
National Rifle Association
* shot gun
Remington Arms price list
* riffel
Winchester price list
* pisstel
Smith and Wesson price list
* truck
Ford and Chevrolet dealers in AL by zip code
* house
Nearest Mobile home repair service by zip code
* car
same as truck just need two, list in Alabama
* cuzzins
family history (usually a 3 meg file)
* tax records
usually an empty file
* shells
ammunition inventory (another 3 meg file)
* bud
list of Budwiser dealers by zip code
* rasin
NASCAR racing schedule includes list of TV stations that carry the race
* car 'n truck parts
nearest junk yard by zip code
* doc
veterinarians by zip code
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Alabama edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement copy.

Redneck Medical Terms

Benign........What you be after you be eight.
Artery...... The study of paintings.
Bacteria.....Back door to cafeteria.
Barium........What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section....A neighborhood in Rome.
CATscan....................Searching for kitty.
Cauterize..................Made eye contact with her.
Colic.......................... A sheep dog.
Coma...........................A punctuation mark.
D & C..........................Where Washington is.
Dilate......................... To live long.
Enema..........................Not a friend.
Fester.........................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula..........................A small lie.
Genital.........................Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series..................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail......................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent.....................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain...................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff............A Doctor's cane.
Morbid........................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates.......................Cheaper than day rates.
Node.............................I knew it.
Outpatient..................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis............................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative...........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room...........Place to do upholstery.
Rectum..........................Damn near killed him.
Secretion......................Hiding something.
Seizure..........................Roman emperor.
Tablet............................A small table.
Terminal Illness...........Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor.............................More than one.
Urine..............................Opposite of you're out.
Varicose.........................Near by/close by.

Redneck Computer Terms

ACTIVE DESKTOP: Caused from leavin food on yer puter desk.
BACKUP: What ya do when ya done run'd over a skunk in the woods.
BAR CODE: Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern.
BIT: A wager, as in, "I bit you cain't spit that there watermelon seed across the porch over yonder longways."
BOARD: What ya git when ya aint bizzy.
BROWSER: What ya do when a purty gal walks by ya in the general store.
BUG: The reason ya gave fer callin in sick.
BYTE: What yer pitbull dun to cusin Jethro.
BYTE: Also the first word in a kiss-off phrase.
CACHE: Needed when ya run out of food stamps.
CHIP: Pasture muffins that ya try not to step in.
CHIPSET: Two piles of dung, usually cowpatties, sittin side by side.
COLD BOOT: How yer boots are in winter when ya first put em on.
COMPUTER TERMINAL: Time to call the undertaker.
CPU: When ya look down and see a cow pattie.
CRASH: When ya go to Bubba's party uninvited.
CURSOR: What some guys do when they're mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
DIGITAL: The art of counting on yer fingers.
DISKETTE: A female Disco dancer.
DOS: Redneck shorthand for: "Dont' own Squat"
DOT MATRIX: One of them kinky people in them X rated movies yer wife hid from ya.
DOUBLE CLICK: When the dang gun don't far when ya pull the trigger.
ENTER: Northern for "Y'all C'mon in!"
FAX: What ya lie about to the IRS, an yer wife.
FLOPPY: When ya run out of Polygrip.
HACKER: Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
HARD BOOT: When ya wake up on the floor with a boot under yer ribs after chug testin grandad's latest batch for smoothness.
HARD DRIVE: Tryin to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
HOME PAGE: A map ya keep in yer back pocket just in case ya git lost out in the field.
INTERNET: Where cafeteria workers keep their hair.
KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the keys to the John Deere.
LAN: To borrow as in, "Hey Jim Bob! LAN me yore truck."
LAP TOP: Where the little kids & the cat feel comfy.
LASER: Someone less ambitious than you.
LINE IN: Whatcha do when you go fishin'
LOG ON: Makin' the wood stove hotter.
MAC: Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
MAIN FRAME: The part of the roof that holds the house up.
MEGABYTES: A day of good fishin'
MEGAHERTZ: How yer head feels after 17 beers.
MICRO CHIP: What's left in the bag when the chips are gone.
MODEM: What ya do when the grass gits too high.
MOTHERBOARD: What Mama gets when she ain't got a boyfriend.
MOUSE: Fuzzy, soft thang ya stuff in yer beer bottle in order ta git a free case.
NETWORK: Scoop'n up a big fish afore it breaks the line.
NEWSGROUP: When the wives git together an gossip at the Widder Hawkins' place.
OFFLINE: When the clothes pins let go an the laundry falls on the ground.
ONLINE: Where ya stay when takin the sobriety test.
PROMPT: What you wish the mail were.
RAM: What ya drive if ya aint a Ford or Chevy man.
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya cain't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle.
REBOOT: What ya do when the first pair gits covered with barnyard stuff.
ROM: Delicious when ya mix it with coca cola.
SCREEN: Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.
SCREEN SAVER: Repair kit fer the torn winder screen. It's also the paint ya put on your screen door when it begins to rust.
SERIAL PORT: A red wine ya drank with yer breakfast.
SPREAD SHEET: What Momma puts on the bed for a new boy friend.
SUPERCONDUCTOR: Amtrak's Employee of the year.
SCSI: What ya call your week-old underwear.
WARM BOOT: What ya wear on yer feet when it gits cold.
WINDOW: Place in the truck to hang yer guns.
WINDOW: Also what ya roll down when Jim Bob cuts a big un in the truck.

Things yall Will Never Hear Any True Redneck Say!!!

I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
Duct tape won't fix that.
Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
We don't keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
You can't feed that to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
Wrestling's fake.
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
We're vegetarians.
Do you think my gut is too big?
I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, we don't need another dog.
Who gives a crap who won the Civil War?
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
Spittin' is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
Checkmate.
She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
I don't have a favorite college team.
Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
You ALL.
Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight.
Taken from Daily Comix.
I want the confederate flag down. (from Owen351)
Let's move to the city! (from Owen351)
That is enough children. (from Owen351)
We have too many dogs! (from Owen351)
I don't want to go huntin'. (from Musclman84)
I'll take a root beer. (from FSUFAN89)
My house doesn't have wheels. (from FSUFAN89)
"You guys." (from TeresaandJoeS)
I had too much beer. (from GriMc64)
Dont you think my truck is to big? (from LolJameslol)
I hate John Deere. (from Redneckbaby)
Oh, that ain't a dog that's my pet mule. (from TStormy757)
I don't think I want a gun rack in my truck, they are just too tacky. (from Albion1977)
Elivis who? (from BluZmbie)
I'm glad the South didn't win. (from JeremyJ78)
No more Tobasco, it's too hot. (from JeremyJ78)
Did you get the new Snoop Doggy Dogg CD yet? (from JeremyJ78)
I wish Hank Williams Jr. and George Jones would quit drinkin'. (from JeremyJ78)
Come in kids, it's too cold. (from Teen8784)
Today is my first day back to school (since I quit in 3rd grade). (from CoolManMike2006)
I'm too drunk to go huntin'. (from Teen8784)
Give me a Coke. (from Teen8784)
Don't run that deer over. (from Teen8784)
Kids, stop playin' with those matches. (from Teen8784)
I'm tired of beer. (from Teen8784)
My CB antenna is too high. (from Teen8784)
Go outside to spit. (from Teen8784)
Turn your head to cough. (from Teen8784)
Hope I don't get caught doin' this. (from Teen8784)
Quit spittin'. (from Teen8784)
The death sentence?! That's a little harsh don't you think? (from Myerslaue)
I don't think your brushing your teeth in the back enough son. (from Myerslaue)
My tires are big enough. (from Redneckgal0200)
Drinking is pointless. (from Redneckgal0200)
Honey your jeans are too tight. (from Redneckgal0200)
I wasn't confused by the election ballot. (from Joann R.)
I voted for the candidate I meant to vote for and just one time. (from Joann R.)
Pass the soap. (from Myerslaue)
I am a city boy! (from Kateredneck2004)
What color are my teeth? (from Kateredneck2004)
Who is Richard Petty? (from MUDRIDINCOWBOY)
That gun's too big for me to shoot. (from MUDRIDINCOWBOY)
Slow down, you're drivin' too fast. (from MUDRIDINCOWBOY)
NASCAR racing is boring. (from MUDRIDINCOWBOY)
I don't drink. (from MUDRIDINCOWBOY)
Fishin' is boring. (from MUDRIDINCOWBOY)
I don't like huntin'. (from MUDRIDINCOWBOY)
I think deer tastes nasty. (from MUDRIDINCOWBOY)
Yo! (from Girlsloveme67863)
Slow down there's an armadillo in the road. (from Myerslaue)
I missed the deer by a mile. (from LIFEISPEACHY000)
Honey, kick the dog out of the bed. (from Sam Lawson)
It wasnt me that farted. (from Sam Lawson)
I left my shotgun at home. (from Sam Lawson)
Smokin' and drinkin's bad for your health! (from Dixiedarlin1986)
Son I don't want that gun rack put in your go-kart. (from DRDREw5143)
What's up my homey? (from DRDREw5143)
No thank you, I don't want any Skoal. (from DRDREw5143)
Son, speak proper English. (from DRDREw5143)
Excuse me madame. (from DRDREw5143)
I don't believe in spanking my children. (from DRDREw5143)
I don't like Dale Earnhart anymore. (from DRDREw5143)
Honey, we need a new hard drive for the computer. (from DRDREw5143)
I ain't touched a beer in a week. (from PRINE16)
Honey I am too tired for sex. (from Supercowboy86)
Leave the cooler at home. (from Supercowboy86)
I want "Romeo and Juilet" instead of "Hustler." (from Supercowboy86)
I need directions. (from Supercowboy86)
Do I smell ok? (from Supercowboy86)
Stop them two dogs, they're gonna kill each other. (from bayou220l)
Son, you better not drink that 40 then go to the rifle range. (from KnightofNi62)
The Dukes of Hazzard is dumb because the characters are immature. (from KnightofNi62)
Yankee? Sure we would love fer you to stay! (from LITMISREDNECK)
I don't like grits. (from LITMISREDNECK)
I think they should take the Dukes of Hazzard off the air, it's getting boring. (from Hazzardfan1)
The color of the General Lee is ugly. (from Hazzardfan1)
Duct tape won't fix that. (from Teen8784)
I don't chew. (from Ba185dude)
I hate the country. (from Princess20011201)
How can anyone keep a car jacked up on blocks? (from BRANDONCYOTE)
Remember, keep the chickens out of the front yard. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
Don't bring that Elvis TV tray in my house. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
I want my yard to be the best kept one in the block. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
I will never wear blue jeans. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
Don't play that country music in my house. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
How can people listen to Bluegrass music? (from BRANDONCYOTE)
How can anyone drink moonshine? (from BRANDONCYOTE)
What is a still? (from BRANDONCYOTE)
I hate cowboy boots. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
Why do you want all those lights on your truck? (from BRANDONCYOTE)
Honey, two children is a big enough family. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
Now why does anyone need a coon dog? (from BRANDONCYOTE)
What is a moon pie? (from BRANDONCYOTE)
I hate cowboy hats. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
Don't bring that dog in the house. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
How can he marry his cousin? (from BRANDONCYOTE)
Who could sleep with their sister? (from BRANDONCYOTE)
Let's paint the house. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
Let's get rid of the truck, it's starting to rust. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
Please, don't park in the yard. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
Put curtains on the bedroom window, not a blanket or a sheet. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
Those tires are too big for my truck. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
Just a simple truck, I don't want to draw attention. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
I do not want to see a gun in my house. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
I don't think I could hurt a deer. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
Let's talk, fighting gets you nowhere. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
Don't let that dog in my truck. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
We should buy the car, not the truck. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
What do I need a truck for? (from BRANDONCYOTE)
Remember kids, be like Dad, say "No" to beer. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
I don't want to live in a trailer. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
Education and family values are everything. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
Never chew tobacco, smoke, or use snuff. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
Never have more children than you can afford. (from BRANDONCYOTE)
What are food stamps? (from BRANDONCYOTE)
Hank Williams Jr. wasn't really all that good of a singer. (from the_marlboro_man_84)
I think I'll have a non-alcoholic beer. (from Teen8784)
No honey, you sit down and I'll do the cooking tonight. (from NKTrojan78)
Turn it to the home shopping network. (from RebelNBrighton)
Honey do you think this tube top is too tight? (from TSBALSAMO

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